Is ‘Houston Texans’ now the worst team name in pro football?

In 2013, Washington Football Team owner Dan Synder told a USA Today reporter that despite ongoing criticism about the then-Redskins team nickname, he would “never!” change it, brazenly adding, “It's that simple. NEVER — you can use caps.” Of course, on Wednesday the feckless billionaire rightly reneged, announcing his team’s new moniker starting next season.

“Welcome to not-the-best-kept secret in D.C.,” Synder, donning a “W” letterman jacket from behind his podium outside FedEx Field, joked after a news helicopter flying over the stadium spoiled the surprise Tuesday night. “Today’s a big day for our team, our fans—a day in which we embark on a new chapter as the Washington Commanders.” 

It took about 12 seconds for the Internet to shorten Washington’s name to “the Commies.”

Commanders may not be the best choice for a football team, but it’s certainly not the worst. It’d be a bit stale to rank NFL team names, 1-32, but you could quickly tier them. Great nicknames highlight something unique about the city or region the team comes from: 49ers, Steelers, Saints, Bills, and Packers all come to mind. Heartbreakingly, this is the tier the old Houston Oilers would have fit into before they were whisked away to Nashville in 1997.

The next tier down includes common tough guys like the Patriots, Cowboys, Vikings, Buccaneers, and Raiders. The Commanders nickname might slot in here nicely if it wasn’t so abjectly generic. Instead it drops one more tier to join names like the Giants and Titans, all closer cousins to the group that follows, a recurrent collection of big cats, wild beasts, and angry birds—just so many birds—picked seemingly at random like an overserved frat brother selecting his first tattoo only to realize too late that he’s stuck with it.

Below that is the Cleveland Browns, honorably named for the franchise’s first coach and co-founder, Paul Brown, but most often found wearing orange. The Browns had a chance to push reset when they were granted new life in 1999 after their original team was stolen and renamed the Baltimore Ravens. Instead, they made the most Browns decision possible.

Finally, at the very bottom on a level all their own is the Houston Texans. For as much culture, innovation, and diversity exists in Bayou City, all of which is worth celebrating with a similarly unique nickname, nothing about Houston’s handle really links the team to its home. Yes, Houston still resides in Texas and thus everyone who roots for the team is a Texan—at the very least Texan-adjacent. So it fits. But it’s pretty a big state, and the hometown team should more immediately represent the people who drive downtown to cheer its name each week.

Proving the Texans moniker is one you could thoughtlessly assign to any Lone Star State team, the inaugural 2002 squad wasn’t the first Texans. It wasn’t the fourth. The now Indianapolis Colts retained the assets and players, if not the history, of the original Dallas Texans franchise when they decided to move cities in 1952. The Kansas City Chiefs were inaugurated into the AFL as the Dallas Texans in 1960 before quickly relocating in 1963. The fledgling World Football League had a Houston Texans team during the 1970s, and the Canadian Football League had a San Antonio Texans team during its short-lived U.S. expansion.

Much like the NBA’s Charlotte Hornets in 2014 were returned their nickname from New Orleans, which now flies the banner of the Pelicans—yet another damn bird!—it would be ideal if the Tennessee Titans would’ve returned the Oilers name and history to its rightful birthplace. Granted being proud oil drillers today doesn’t carry the same status amid the rise of sustainable fuel sources as it did when the auto industry was actively killing the electric car. But still. 

Instead, early this century, the new owners of the franchise gave the team the placeholder moniker “Houston Football 2002” and opted to crowd-source the final name and color scheme to fans. The callout brought in more than 65,000 submissions, according to the team’s official site, in which supporters built “Identity Packages” including their favorite combinations of titles, logos, and hues, among other branding elements. This mass, impromptu exercise was then focused grouped to narrow the selection to a shortlist of five: 

Apollos: A solid choice, mixes well with the Astros and Rockets 
Bobcats: Another big cat, but at least this one is native to Houston
Stallions: Too similar to Colts and Broncos, yet arguably better than both
Wildcatters: A version of Oilers but likely confused as—again—a cat
Texans: Simple and harmless, which likely helped make it the winner

There had to be something better buried in those 65,000 submissions. Still it’s not too late. Dan Snyder went back on his promise to never change Washington’s name, even if he ended up with the Commanders. Cleveland’s MLB team, a franchise nearly 130 years old, will be known as the Guardians for the first time come spring, a nod to two famous statues flanking Hope Memorial Bridge which leads to the team’s stadium. The local Sugar Land Skeeters transformed into the Space Cowboys just last month, and might now have the best logo in American sports. 

Now it’s the Texans turn to rebrand themselves for the better. Just imagine the uniforms for the Houston Rothkos.