Carolyn Hax: Time to come clean about brother's prison time

Adapted from a recent online discussion.

Dear Carolyn:

Three years ago, my younger brother got in trouble at work for doing some financially questionable stuff and ended up going to prison for two years. He's getting out soon and will move in with me.

I believe he can turn his life around, and he has a good plan and I want to support him. The problem is that my friends and girlfriend don't even know he exists. When I moved here, I was too ashamed to talk about him. How do I break this to them without it seeming like I hid him because he did something truly awful? He didn't -- he was just young and stupid and given too much power too soon.

Also, how can I keep my brother from finding out that I hid his existence for the past year and a half? I just couldn't find the words so I kept putting it off. Now my brother will be showing up and I have to talk to her -- and probably my friends -- very soon.

-- Too Ashamed

No no. There's no "probably." There's "have to," everyone, now.

And there's a bigger reckoning on your to-do list, too.

Your brother just did time for dishonesty, in some form or another. And you were dishonest with your inner circle about this. And you are asking me for advice on the best way to be dishonest with your brother about your dishonesty about his dishonesty.

It is time to own your [stuff].

I don't know what went on in your family of origin, but it doesn't feel rash to suggest honesty and transparency weren't emphatically taught.

So now that the grace period is up on these recent lies, please use this opportunity to get to work on yourself. Understand your family's dynamics and values, break them down to their foundation, stop yourself before you default to them again, and build something real and true in their place.

Talking to your girlfriend is a good place to start: "I need to tell you about my brother. To do that, I need also to tell you about how dishonest I've been. I'd also like to explain what I plan to do about it now that I understand the full scope of what I've done."

Mean it, live it, and you won't regret it -- even if the truth costs you some of the people you love. As you've learned the hard way, lies catch up with you -- or, if they don't, they demand unending work to maintain.

Re: Brother:

I see a lot of minimization and denial. Your brother committed a crime, not "some financially questionable stuff" at work. What he did was bad enough not only to prosecute, but prosecute successfully. He doesn't benefit from you thinking of him as a victim of circumstance or youth. "I didn't know how to tell people you were in prison" is a great, truthful way to talk about what happened. "I didn't know how to tell you my brother was in prison" works, too. However, your friends may judge you if they think you're making excuses for him.

-- Anonymous

Right, thanks -- no partial epiphanies about integrity.